This has snowballed into a bigger argument than I had intended it to.
I’ve said too much. I know I have. Yet, I refuse to back down. I stand firm on my pride, looking to prove my point and to be understood how I want to be understood according to my expectations. I listen but just to respond more powerfully.
Anger bubbles up from my stomach and overcomes my mind, shooting out of my mouth like bullets. The impact stings. I can see it on the face looking back at me, but I gulp down any empathy that seeps from my heart. “I will not appear weak.”, I think to myself.
This was typical of me.
This is how I would usually handle conflict that made me angry. It would get to a certain point and instead of seeking reconciliation, I would seek to win the fight.
I was taught this from a young age by example. I grew up in a home that was anything but gentle and peaceful. It was a home filled with volatility, distress and contention. For as long as I can remember back through my childhood, I was tiptoeing through a fragile minefield. One wrong move, expression or sound and everything surrounding me could explode into utter chaos; resulting in more damage to my young and innocent spirit that was already so broken and bruised.
Despite feeling the consequences of this behavior firsthand, it is no surprise that I picked up some of these bad habits. I mean, statistically it’s expected, right? We learn by example, habits form quickly and after some repetition they tend to stick. I wasn’t shown how to respond in gentleness, kindness and with grace towards others. I wasn’t shown how to have a productive disagreement and come to a resolution that is different than my expectations going into it. That’s hard for many of us anyway, but it’s worst when you are quick to anger and quick to speak from that space.
In a marital relationship, this hostile behavior can create major discord. When it occurs, instead of fostering a deeper closeness to one another, it necessitates crippling one’s spirit to maintain any semblance of peace. In a friendship, this creates tension and uneasiness and makes it harder for a close, trustworthy bond. In a parent-child relationship, this can erode trust, impede emotional and relational growth and often leads to a strained dynamic.
"Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." - James 1:19
The Big Change
There will be a gap in this story because I’m not going to go into detail about how God radically changed my life, but I will say there has been a big huge shift in my worldview. I do believe Jesus is the long-awaited Messiah. That God took on flesh and dwelt among us and now, instead of being a slave to sin, I am a slave to Christ. It has been a good shift – taking the focus off of myself and putting it onto the One and Only God, our Creator. So let’s fast forward a bit to what the Lord has taught me, through the Holy Spirit, the Bible and my patient and kind husband in the last few years since He saved me, that I tried for years to handle on my own.
Lessons From The Lord
I firmly believe what God reveals to us about Himself through the Bible. A book I used to believe is boring, outdated and patriarchal I have come to adore and see as thrilling, diverse and balanced.
So, let’s look to some of what God says about communication and disagreements in the Holy Bible.
Live in the Spirit
“For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” Romans 8:14-16
As Christians, we are indwelled with the Holy Spirit. Does the Holy Spirit help how we communicate with others? Absolutely! We have the very power of God living inside of us; the same Spirit that created the heavens and the earth. This same Spirit produces fruit in us. We can look at it as God’s character, shining through us.
Fruit of the Spirit
Look at what God tells us here.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.“ Galatians 5:22-23
These are characteristics of God. How do we produce fruit? By being in close and personal relationship with God through prayer, studying scripture, meditating on His Words and being in fellowship with other Christians who will pray with us and be our accountability partners.
Gentleness, Kindness and Self-Control
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
Words hold power. A few verses down reads similarly…
“Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.” Proverbs 15:4
My husband is really good with this. He wakes up early most mornings to read scripture and pray – deepening his relationship with God. Because of this, he has a lot of self-control and is gentle towards me in many ways, including his speech. His Christlike behavior and kind words have been a big influence on me. This shows how others are impacted by how closely we are following the Lord.
Proverbs 16:24 says, "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."
When we are upset, we can lose control of ourselves and say things to intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone else. Though these hurtful words don’t always reflect the truth, they can have lifelong lasting effects. Harsh words can produce a hurt so great that it severs relationships. This pain from detached relationships can permeate through generations, striking not only our children but also grandchildren. Our words have the power to shape how others see us and even how they see themselves. We are called to be self-controlled, slow to anger, slow to speak, and gentle and winsome in speech.
"But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth." Colossians 3:8 "The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out." Proverbs 17:14 "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Proverbs 12:18
When you are in a disagreement with someone or having a challenging conversation and you get frustrated or angry, are your words healing? Is your tone gentle? Do you have speech that is edifying?
I love this quote from the podcast Raising Cross Formed Kids, “Feelings are just feelings. They are not in charge”. Feelings should not dictate our actions. They certainly shouldn’t control our lives. When we place God in His rightful seat in our lives, we put Him in control and allow Him to guide us.
Striving To Please God, Not The Flesh
James 3:2 says, "For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body."
You know, I’d love to say I no longer fall short but at times I do. Sanctification is an ongoing process until the day I’m called home. Ultimately, our bodies won’t be perfected until we reach heaven. But until then, we should strive to please the Lord. It is His desire that we put Him first and work to be truly Christ-like. Patient, merciful, kind, gracious, loving, protective, submissive1, edifying, encouraging and forgiving. We can learn from Him when we put Him first.
1. Linked to biblical interpretation of “submission” so y’all don’t come at me
So while I am still growing and sanctifying, I can say God has brought me a great distance from the person I once was; steeped in habitual sin. It’s by God’s grace alone and His guidance that I have experienced this transformation so far. I encourage you to also lean into the wisdom God provides in the Bible and allow it to shape your words, actions, and interactions with others. Our transformation is a continual process, filled with mercy, grace, and the hope of becoming more like Christ each day.
Try it out. You will see Jesus can heal you walk with Him.
Psalm 19:14 - "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."
You can find a free audio Bible here for on the go: https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/audio/
or download an app: https://www.youversion.com/the-bible-app/