The date was June 12, 2020. I was sitting on a plush futon mattress on the kitchen floor next to the computer where my husband worked diligently on a government grant application. It was a exceptional opportunity, and he was under a time crunch to complete it. I noticed my heartbeat was beating in a peculiar way but I shrugged it of thinking it might be due to lack of hydration or some sort of invisible stress. I had just gotten over a pretty big migraine a couple days before, so maybe this had something to do with it I thought.
Soon enough, a conversation ensued about something insignificant and it somehow took a sharp turn into a deep conversation about who-knows-what *insert eye roll*, but something my husband said so innocently really offended me, and I found myself a hysterical mess within minutes. Ten minutes later, after my huffing and puffing subsided, we decided something was off and I should take a pregnancy test. To our joyous surprise, it validated that I indeed was pregnant! We were filled with such happiness and excitement.
Only a couple of days later, I found myself in the emergency department due to heart palpitations that had gone on for almost 2 weeks at this point. It turned out that my symptoms were attributed to being pregnant and I was experiencing PVCs (premature ventricular contractions), which put simply, are extra heartbeats caused most likely from increased maternal blood flow for the growing baby in my tummy. Little did I know that this would be just the beginning of a very challenging journey.
Throughout my pregnancy, I faced numerous trials. I endured Hyperemesis Gravidarum and lost over 10 lbs during my first and second trimesters. I felt miserable both physically and emotionally and I made sure to vocalize that misery. Bed rest and receiving IV treatments to gain some nutrients became routine for me. I battled deep moments of depression. I found myself questioning why God would subject me to what I viewed as such a horrible pregnancy, and I loudly let Him hear it. I cursed God and resembled Job’s wife more than Job. It was rough. Really rough. When the Hyperemesis let up at week 16, I was officially labeled a “high risk pregnancy”. I started GERD medication, was diagnosed with Polyhydramnios, and endured 2x/week non-stress tests until birth. Delivery was a week overdue at 41 weeks and resulted in an unplanned c-section due to my baby in distress with a fluctuating heart rate. During the cesarean, doctors discovered a placenta abruption. My perinatal and postpartum anxiety would have told you there was no way both of us would make it out of pregnancy, birth and postpartum alive. I drove my OB and husband nuts with the “what if” questions! I was hanging on by a thread by the Grace of God.
Looking back, I now realize that instead of leaning on God, I chose to dismiss Him during many of those difficult moments. Unfortunately, this only intensified my sense of isolation and anger. While fighting God I also missed out on His wisdom and guidance. Leaning on my own feelings and understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6) led me to selfish upset, depression and and unproductive unnecessary tiffs with my husband.
I should have been on my knees praying in thanksgiving and trusting Him; glorifying Him with every breath for the medical treatment I was blessed to have, the husband who supported me every second of the day, and for the good health of my baby who was growing healthily.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold— though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” – Peter 1:7
Despite the missed opportunities and negative consequences of dismissing God, it is important for me to recognize how God still worked my suffering for good, even though I made mistakes and neglected to lean on Him. (Romans 8:28) In spite of our shortcomings, God can still work in and through our circumstances for our eventual benefit and His glory.
Repentance of my sins was a necessary step for experiencing the transformative power of God’s grace and mercy. It opened the door for God to work in my life, and brought about the forgiveness, restoration, and the manifestation of His good purposes. (Acts 3:19-20) Repentance aligns our hearts and lives with God’s will.
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God." Romans 12:2
Our marriage, which we were only 2 months into when we conceived our daughter, grew much stronger. My husband took incredible care of me, changing my IV bags 3x/day and spoon feeding me Cream Of Rice to get something in my stomach; and that care prepared him to care for our daughter in so many ways.
At heart, if I could rewrite that chapter of my life, wholeheartedly embrace a different perspective.
Instead of dismissing God, I would have enthusiastically embraced His presence, surrendering to His wisdom and guidance. Oh, the extraordinary wonders that would have unfolded if I had humbly leaned on Him in those really difficult moments. The profound change would have permeated every facet of my being. Instead of a sense of isolation and anger, I would have immersed myself in trust and gratitude, recognizing the blessings that surrounded me. My marriage, which blossomed amid the trials, would have become a refuge of unwavering support and deep connection. Every moment would have been an opportunity to revel in the unbelievable care and love granted to me by my devoted husband, who tirelessly tended to my needs, providing support and solace. Together, we would have embraced the journey with unshakable faith and permitted God’s grace to illuminate our path. Oh, the beauty that could’ve unfolded if only I had sincerely chosen to walk with God, surrendering to His perfect plan.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)